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Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things anyone can go through. But when someone has dementia, that loss becomes even more complicated. They might forget their loved one has passed, relive the grief repeatedly, or even believe their spouse is still around.
I’ve experienced this firsthand with my mom. My dad passed away a few months ago, and while she sees his ashes, she doesn’t quite understand that he’s not here anymore. Some days, she asks where he is. Other days, she talks about him as if he’s just out running errands. It’s heartbreaking, and honestly, I never know exactly how to respond.
So, how do you handle this? Should you correct them or go along with their reality? There’s no single right answer, but here’s what I’ve learned along the way.
1. Do You Tell Them the Truth?
This is one of the biggest dilemmas families face. Do you remind them that their spouse has passed away, or do you let them believe what they need to believe?
When to Tell Them the Truth:
- If they ask directly and seem to be in a place where they can process it.
- If not knowing is causing them distress (e.g., if they think their spouse is missing).
- If they haven’t grieved at all and need to understand why things feel different.
But—and this is a big but—telling them the truth doesn’t always help. For some dementia patients, hearing “your spouse passed away” can feel like hearing it for the first time all over again. They might break down in grief just like they did when it originally happened. And then, minutes or hours later, they forget and ask again.
This cycle can be exhausting and painful. That’s why sometimes, it’s okay to choose compassion over strict truth.
2. When It’s Better to Go Along with Their Reality
There are times when correcting them does more harm than good. If your loved one is peacefully talking about their spouse as if they’re still around, there’s no need to remind them of the loss.
For example, my mom sometimes says things like:
💬 “I think your dad is sleeping in the other room.”
💬 “I’ll ask your dad when he gets back.”
At first, I used to correct her, saying, “No, Mom, Dad passed away.” But every time, I’d see her face drop in shock, like she was hearing it for the first time. And then she’d start crying.
So now, I’ve learned to just meet her where she is. If she says Dad is in the other room, I don’t argue. I just nod and redirect the conversation. Something as simple as “Oh, okay! Do you want some tea?” can be enough to shift her focus.
And honestly? It’s kinder this way. If she’s at peace thinking he’s still around, then maybe that’s okay.
3. Find Gentle Ways to Keep Their Memory Alive
Even if they don’t fully understand the loss, they can still feel it emotionally. Finding small ways to keep their spouse’s memory alive—without causing distress—can be comforting.
- Looking at old photos together 📸
- Listening to their favorite music 🎵
- Telling happy stories about their life 💬
Instead of making it about loss, make it about love.
4. Be Kind to Yourself, Too
Caring for someone with dementia is emotionally exhausting. It’s hard to watch them forget, and it’s even harder when they’re grieving in a way that feels incomplete.
If you’re struggling, remember: you’re doing your best. There’s no perfect way to handle this, and every day might require a different approach. Some days, you might correct them. Other days, you might let things slide. And that’s okay.
At the end of the day, it’s about keeping them comfortable, happy, and safe—even if that means bending reality a little.
Final Thoughts
Losing a spouse is never easy, and dementia makes it even more complex. But whether they remember the loss or not, what matters most is love, patience, and kindness.
So if your loved one still talks about their spouse as if they’re around, don’t feel like you always have to correct them. Sometimes, letting them live in a world that feels safe and familiar is the most compassionate choice you can make.
And if you ever feel like you’re getting it wrong, remember—there’s no wrong way to love someone through dementia. 💙
